On issues of forgiveness and niceties

Content note: sexual and emotional abuse; profanity

So sorry for the radio silence. I’ve had a huge few months with travel, deaths and relationship drama.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

I’m currently visiting my family, who do not know about the years of sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of a family member. I hate coming back to the same place where I was raped hundreds – If not thousands – of times.

Yesterday, my stepfather suggested to me that I be more forgiving and kind to my rapist. Now, bearing in mind that he doesn’t know about the years of rape, all he knows about is the constant emotional abuse this man put me through. He has never offered an apology, nor has his behaviour changed. And yet I, his victim, am expected to forgive him because that’s just him. They are using the excuse that he has a stressful job, but he has emotionally abused me since we were teenagers.

This has made me furious. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so angry. I was deeply hurt by the expectation that I would just forgive him when he has never, ever been nicer to me. And the fact he has raped me repeatedly makes it even worse.

A lot of people might tell me to forgive “for me”, but the issue with forgiveness is that it has to be earned, or at least requested. This narcissist delights in manipulating and controlling women, has been accused of rape multiple times, and has never acknowledged that his constant bullying is wrong.

So nah, mate, there’s no fucking way I’m going to forgive this person, no matter how closely we’re related. The best they can hope for is that I quietly cut him out of my life and break contact. No victim should ever have to feel pressured to forgive their abuser. It makes me so angry that my own mother and father are putting the same pressure the rest of society puts on victims. They never tell him to apologise or change his behaviour yet I am expected to.

Seems like a whole lot of people need to fuck right off. My forgiveness is free flowing – when you ask for it and stop abusing me. Until then, fuck off.

XXX

Content note: abuse, explicit sexual imagery

I’m using a mobile device for this post, so please excuse any poor formatting.

I had a strange and distressing dream recently. They’re always strange, and usually distressing but this one was different.

I was at my grandmother’s house with the family member who sexually abused me for 10 years. In my dream, this person and I had consensual, kinky, fucked up sex in so many ways as adults. It happened in every room, including my grandparent’s bedroom. There was always the feeling of someone there, but no one was willing to come forward about it.

This is so strange to me, because I was 4 when the abuse began and it ended when I was 14/15. At no point did I consent and as a child I really didn’t have a choice. Honestly, the reason I didn’t post this earlier is because I was so shocked that my brain would make me do this.

I’ve thought on it for about a week now, and the only explanation I have is that I’m subconsciously trying to re-write the nightmare that was my childhood. It couldn’t be so hurtful if I consented, right?

Even thinking about it now, it doesnt hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more. I’ve spent so long trying to make myself not hurt and just accept my history, but still it hurts.

I don’t have a nice wrap up to this post. Usually analysing things makes them make more sense to me and I can control my feelings. Not so in this case. The analysis makes it hurt more. It’s a bottomless pit of pain.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.