XXX

Content note: abuse, explicit sexual imagery

I’m using a mobile device for this post, so please excuse any poor formatting.

I had a strange and distressing dream recently. They’re always strange, and usually distressing but this one was different.

I was at my grandmother’s house with the family member who sexually abused me for 10 years. In my dream, this person and I had consensual, kinky, fucked up sex in so many ways as adults. It happened in every room, including my grandparent’s bedroom. There was always the feeling of someone there, but no one was willing to come forward about it.

This is so strange to me, because I was 4 when the abuse began and it ended when I was 14/15. At no point did I consent and as a child I really didn’t have a choice. Honestly, the reason I didn’t post this earlier is because I was so shocked that my brain would make me do this.

I’ve thought on it for about a week now, and the only explanation I have is that I’m subconsciously trying to re-write the nightmare that was my childhood. It couldn’t be so hurtful if I consented, right?

Even thinking about it now, it doesnt hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more. I’ve spent so long trying to make myself not hurt and just accept my history, but still it hurts.

I don’t have a nice wrap up to this post. Usually analysing things makes them make more sense to me and I can control my feelings. Not so in this case. The analysis makes it hurt more. It’s a bottomless pit of pain.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

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